Big Ern vs. Food

Well I'm back....again.

My little brothers are coming in town this weekend and in the spirit of Man vs. Food, we're each going to take on the Lucky's Sandwich Challenge. Three sandwiches, each stuffed with meat, french fries, tomato and coleslaw and it all must be consumed in under an hour. Sounds like a great idea. What could possibly go wrong? Truthfully my biggest fear is blowing chunks and never enjoying the taste of salami again.

One Lucky's sandwich

Despite the fact that I don't like tomatoes or coleslaw, Big Ern is going to take this challenge seriously. I did some reading and found out you're supposed to consume as much water and lettuce as possible as they both help to expand your stomach. I just polished off a gallon of water, but could only manage eating half of the 2-pound head of lettuce I bought.

In other news, I've been on a bit of a Maury Povich kick lately so I figured I'd share this link. And I'm going to Hell.

http://maurychristmas.ytmnd.com/

Man vs. Food

Move over Howie Mandel...I've found a new favorite TV show and until television executives come to their senses and bring back "I'm With Busey", Man vs. Food will have to do. The premise is a semi-overweight man who goes to restaraunts across the country to conquer different food challenges like the 7 1/2 pound Sasquatch Burger and 15 dozen oysters. Forget grad school, I've found my new career.

The Sasquatch Burger

On another note, only three more months until the biggest day of the year for Detroit Lions fans: Draft Day. Since the Lions can't draft Chuck Long again, maybe they can find a defense.

Y Ball

Well after about a six week hiatus, I rolled my ass out of bed at 5:30 this morning and made my glorious return to the Y basketball court. Why so early you ask? Well I'm not going to sugarcoat it--the 5:30 group is the most unathletic out of all of the guys who come play everyday. The noon group is littered with former college basketball players and guys who can dunk. Needless to say, I'd rather get up at 5:30 and guard a middle-aged man named Monty who wears athletic goggles. At any rate, Big Ern is a little rusty and will certainly be sore as shit tomorrow.

In keeping with our classic infomercial theme, I feel the Tiddy Bear deserves some recognition:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I

Thanks to Doug for bringing this one to my attention and to the guy who said "I want to be a Tiddy Bear in my second life."

The Snuggie

A blanket with sleeves. Genius. Kudos to Megan for passing this video along. I've seen infomercials for this before:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0

I love how they try to rationalize owning a snuggie because your hands get trapped inside of a blanket when you try to reach for something. Are we this lazy, America? Because it takes so much effort to lift your hands out of those ridiculously heavy blankets. Honestly, I don't know how all of those old women can make quilts without scoring some 'roids.

To be honest, I'm kind of creeped out by snuggies. Is it just me or does everyone wearing a snuggie look like a member of a cult? I'm just waiting for them to cut to a scene with a snuggie-wearer sacrificing a baby.

My favorite part by far is at about 1:04 with the snuggie family high-fiving each other at the sporting event. I'm really disappointed that my entire family didn't show up at my baseball games in matching snuggies so my teammates could make fun of me for being the kid with the weird family.

On another note, I went and saw Marley and Me yesterday. It kind of made me think that Ari might not be so bad after all. A flashback to more innocent days:

Annnnnndd we're back...

The blog is back after a month long hiatus--let's chalk the delay up to utter laziness. Glimpses of the Sweatpant Era in college.

Anyway, today's a little chilly here in Chicago. I oozed out of bed this morning to discover the temperature was a scorching -10 with a wind chill of -28. And thank you Dan and Kush for your wonderful text messages reminding me of that at 8:30 this morning. Thankfully I live such an active lifestyle and never set foot outside.

On a hotter note, I've decided to grow out a mustache. It's midly creepy, which, let's be honest, is the look I was going for. It hasn't exactly gotten rave reviews. I'm just curious what will have a longer shelf life, the 'stache or "Howie Do It. "

Rumor has it Bryant Gumbel, Jr. has reached the twilight of his life. It sounds like the summer Megan let him stay with Phil, Dan and I is beginning to show--all that booze and doing those lines off Phil's weiner finally caught up to him. Farewell Bryant.

Bring Back Cocaine Wayne

So today downtown Chicago was invaded by some of the most annoying creatures known to man--yes that's right, Bears fans. My first thought was, is the Insane Clown Posse back in town again already? But then I remembered that the Bears are hosting the Saints tonight. I actually helped a couple of Bears fans with directions (sorry Kush, I should've sent them to Cabrini-Green for you). But in all honesty, no other NFL fans feel more entitled to great teams year after year as those of the Chicago Bears--the Super Bowl Shuffle was a quarter century ago, it's time to move on.

If anybody is entitled to anything, it's Lions fans. Endure 51 years with one playoff win, an 0-13 record and eight years of "Cocaine" Wayne Fontes at the helm and then come talk to me.

Seriously, he looks like he should be running a pizzeria; certainly not an NFL franchise.

A few other downtown observations:

I was walking down the Mag Mile and noticed this old man riding around in an Amigo and coming up behind people honking an air horn at them to get out of his way. Highly obnoxious, mildy entertaining.

There was also a homeless man who asked this woman walking in front of me for change. She politely declined and as soon as she turned her back, he started making obscene gestures at her with his tongue. Nice. I'm convinced that women underestimate how truly disgusting men actually are.

And memo to people who wear fur coats: you look ridiculous. Especially women with those round looking fur hats--Genghis Khan called and he wants them back. Seriously, it looks like you have a skunk wrapped around your head.

Howie Mandel, Pwner of Faces

Last night I was on the Chicago Tribune's website and they had a story titled "What's the Dumbest Thing on TV?"

If you ask me, Deal or No Deal. Hands down. Hole in the Wall...a close second.

Colin Cowherd, one of my favorite radio personalities, put it best when he said out of all the creative talent in television, Deal or No Deal is the most America can come up with? Somebody actually had the balls to walk into a top level executive meeting in New York or L.A. and say THIS is the best we've got:

There's gonna be hot women. And there's gonna be briefcases. Absolutely no skill will be involved. Hosted by Howie Mandel.

They might as well have named the show "sit here for an hour, don't think and let your brain turn into pus...hosted by Howie Mandel."

And here I thought the comedic genius' career had ended with Bobby's World. Little did I know that Rosemary actually went up to see Howie Mandel's stand up performance last year. She loves Deal or No Deal. Hated Howie's stand up though. She said she walked out once he started "talking about going to bed with his wife."