Creepers: An Intimate Portrait

Many of you know my fascination with creepy guys. Over the next few weeks I've decided to periodically identify and profile the different variations of creepers and their unique characteristics.

Today I'm going to discuss what I like to call, the Bouncin' in da' Club Creeper. The most common species of creeper, any girl who has ever been to a bar or club has likely encountered this hair-gellin', cell phone flippin' cloud off too much cologne.

The Bouncin' in da' Club creeper will often buy a round of shots in an attempt to slither his way into initiating contact and striking up a conversation that consists of what kind of car, shirt or salary he's got. Very aggressive, the Bouncin' in da' Club Creeper can appear somewhat attractive at first glance with a Banana Republic or Versace button-up shirt and nice, well-kept hair. But up close and upon further review, girls quickly pick up the rancid stench of desperation.

Make no mistake, the Bouncin' in da' Club Creeper has no qualms with ditching its own friends to hover around you and your group all night by himself. Naturally, its brain does not comprehend the words "no", "I have a boyfriend", "I'm busy tomorrow night," or "we're just going home after this." Resilient, this creeper has never been shot down (in its own mind) and will sink his mandibles into a completely uninterested girl all night, buying drinks, grabbing them to dance, hugging them, rubbing their back (gross) and sometimes even following them from bar to bar.

Luckily, girls are born with natural defensive mechanisms for combating the specific advances of the Bouncin' in da' Club creepers. This entails several techniques, the most common being the "group dance" maneuver where girls grab friends who have been targeted on the dance floor and bring them back into the safety of the herd.

Bouncin' in da' Club Creeper Dossier
Occupation: Advertising; cell phone salesman
Beverage of choice: Jager; Sparks; any energy drink
Natural Habitat: Choose your meatmarket: Barleycorn's, Rush and Division (Chicago); Hannah's in the Old City, Cool Beans (Knoxville); Crazy Cowboy (Jackson)
Mode of Transportation: Hyundai; anything with street glow
Hobbies: Shopping; slipping roofies in your drink