Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Reason #1,741 to Not Cheat on Your Girlfriend or Wife

I was reading the Chicago Tribune after work tonight and came across this story about how evil women truly are:

"A sticky case of revenge unfolded last week in a Wisconsin motel after a woman discovered her husband was cheating and invited three other scorned lovers to settle the score -- with Krazy Glue.

After the victim was threatened with mace, punched in the face and taunted, the mischief moved south. "


Yes, they used super glue. And yes they did what you think they did.

At any rate, I'm not sure if the moral of the story is don't cheat on your wife orrrrr don't get involved with a crazy broad that looks like this:

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Ok I'm Back...

...at least until the sweet nectar of rigamortis-like laziness becomes too sweet to ignore. Which, let's be honest, I'm putting the over-under at 2 posts for the rest of 2009.

But anyway, I was reading cnn.com on my way home from work tonight and one of the headlines said "Tanning Beds as Deadly as Arsenic"

Well, it's official then...natural selection has finally caught up to sorority girls.

And the Public Transportation Quote of the Day goes to the lady sitting behind me on the El yelling into her cell phone:

"I ain't gonna be FREAKING my boyfriend with her right there in the bedroom with us."

Guess she never lived in the dorms.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Big Ern vs. Food

Well I'm back....again.
My little brothers are coming in town this weekend and in the spirit of Man vs. Food, we're each going to take on the Lucky's Sandwich Challenge. Three sandwiches, each stuffed with meat, french fries, tomato and coleslaw and it all must be consumed in under an hour. Sounds like a great idea. What could possibly go wrong? Truthfully my biggest fear is blowing chunks and never enjoying the taste of salami again.

One Lucky's sandwich

Despite the fact that I don't like tomatoes or coleslaw, Big Ern is going to take this challenge seriously. I did some reading and found out you're supposed to consume as much water and lettuce as possible as they both help to expand your stomach. I just polished off a gallon of water, but could only manage eating half of the 2-pound head of lettuce I bought.

In other news, I've been on a bit of a Maury Povich kick lately so I figured I'd share this link. And I'm going to Hell.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Man vs. Food

Move over Howie Mandel...I've found a new favorite TV show and until television executives come to their senses and bring back "I'm With Busey", Man vs. Food will have to do. The premise is a semi-overweight man who goes to restaraunts across the country to conquer different food challenges like the 7 1/2 pound Sasquatch Burger and 15 dozen oysters. Forget grad school, I've found my new career.

The Sasquatch Burger

On another note, only three more months until the biggest day of the year for Detroit Lions fans: Draft Day. Since the Lions can't draft Chuck Long again, maybe they can find a defense.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Y Ball

Well after about a six week hiatus, I rolled my ass out of bed at 5:30 this morning and made my glorious return to the Y basketball court. Why so early you ask? Well I'm not going to sugarcoat it--the 5:30 group is the most unathletic out of all of the guys who come play everyday. The noon group is littered with former college basketball players and guys who can dunk. Needless to say, I'd rather get up at 5:30 and guard a middle-aged man named Monty who wears athletic goggles. At any rate, Big Ern is a little rusty and will certainly be sore as shit tomorrow.

In keeping with our classic infomercial theme, I feel the Tiddy Bear deserves some recognition:


Thanks to Doug for bringing this one to my attention and to the guy who said "I want to be a Tiddy Bear in my second life."

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Snuggie

A blanket with sleeves. Genius. Kudos to Megan for passing this video along. I've seen infomercials for this before:


I love how they try to rationalize owning a snuggie because your hands get trapped inside of a blanket when you try to reach for something. Are we this lazy, America? Because it takes so much effort to lift your hands out of those ridiculously heavy blankets. Honestly, I don't know how all of those old women can make quilts without scoring some 'roids.

To be honest, I'm kind of creeped out by snuggies. Is it just me or does everyone wearing a snuggie look like a member of a cult? I'm just waiting for them to cut to a scene with a snuggie-wearer sacrificing a baby.

My favorite part by far is at about 1:04 with the snuggie family high-fiving each other at the sporting event. I'm really disappointed that my entire family didn't show up at my baseball games in matching snuggies so my teammates could make fun of me for being the kid with the weird family.

On another note, I went and saw Marley and Me yesterday. It kind of made me think that Ari might not be so bad after all. A flashback to more innocent days:

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Annnnnndd we're back...

The blog is back after a month long hiatus--let's chalk the delay up to utter laziness. Glimpses of the Sweatpant Era in college.

Anyway, today's a little chilly here in Chicago. I oozed out of bed this morning to discover the temperature was a scorching -10 with a wind chill of -28. And thank you Dan and Kush for your wonderful text messages reminding me of that at 8:30 this morning. Thankfully I live such an active lifestyle and never set foot outside.

On a hotter note, I've decided to grow out a mustache. It's midly creepy, which, let's be honest, is the look I was going for. It hasn't exactly gotten rave reviews. I'm just curious what will have a longer shelf life, the 'stache or "Howie Do It. "

Rumor has it Bryant Gumbel, Jr. has reached the twilight of his life. It sounds like the summer Megan let him stay with Phil, Dan and I is beginning to show--all that booze and doing those lines off Phil's weiner finally caught up to him. Farewell Bryant.