Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Light Festival

I went on Saturday. Damnit. I'm a shitty Grinch.

Later on, I went down to Cullen's, this pub in my neighborhood that I often go to.

It's a pretty busy night, there's a band playing and I'm standing up at the bar talking with Tom, another regular, when this woman in her mid-30s comes up to us.

Woman: There aren't enough guys out here dancing with us.
Tom (pointing his thumb at me): He loves to dance. Let him finish his beer and he'll be out there with you.
Woman (wraps her arms around my arm): See you in a few minutes, cutie.
Big Ern (glaring at Tom): You're a dick.

So over the course of the night this woman comes over every 15 minutes to see if my beer is gone yet. Sweet. Anyway, Tom and I continue to chat and throw them back. After a while, he brings over these two girls probably in their late 20s. Keep in mind Tom is 40, but he's a pretty good-looking guy. If you took Kevin Kline and hit him the face with the ugly stick maybe like one time, you'd have Tom. He's also in some kind of sales, so he's a pretty smooth talker.

Anyway, he brings these two girls over. I have no romantic interest in the girl I'm supposed to be talking to, but for the sake of being a wingman (and because I don't mind talking to people), I keep her entertained and chat about this or that (because we all know how quickly a girl's friend can cause things to unravel when not entertained). Talk about painful--she had the personality of Eor on sedatives. But whatever, I know my role. Eventually, Tom takes his girl on the dance floor and starts making out with her--forget that he has a long-term girlfriend in Minnesota. The important thing is, my job is done.

I go to the bathroom and when I come back, this other regular, Kevin is standing at the bar next to my beer. Fuck. This should be an adventure. Kevin is far and away the creepiest guy I've ever met. He's around 40 or so, completely bald with a shaved head, a doblè chin and is the kind of guy who begs for sex--I know, all qualities women drop their pants for, right? It's pretty incredible--I've seen him get shot down so many times then immediately move on to the next girl without skipping a beat. Nothing more attractive than a guy who will stick his dick in anything, eh ladies?

So I'm talking to him when these two women around 40 years old or so, make the mistake of entering Kevin's Halo of Creepiness (basically if you get within a 10 feet radius of him, you're getting creeped on). He quickly picks up their scent and locks in on one of them. I step back to watch the wonder of it all. It's like watching Picasso begin work on an empty canvas. Actually, it's more like watching a toddler finger paint with its own dirty diaper. I'm pretty sloppy at this point, but I felt the need to warn her friend.

Big Ern: I hope you guys have some kind of secret bat symbol or something to rescue each other because he's really creepy.

You've been warned.

After about two minutes, he says out loud, clearly within their hearing range:

"I'm getting no where with this girl. Wanna switch me?"

Hahhahaha. Ohhh man. I don't know much about girls, but I can tell you that nothing makes a woman feel more special than when you try to hit on her friend first, get shot down and then move on to her.


Megan said...

eeyore. not eor.

Big Ernie McCracken said...

I had no idea you were such a Winnie the Pooh buff. But you should be proud I was briefly filled with the Christmas spirit and went to the Light Festivel.

Anonymous said...


Big Ernie McCracken said...

My editing skills appear to be eroding. Must be the gimlets.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the gimlets, but your blog is hilarious Mr. Scrooge.